What is your life all about? How do you decide what you want in life? How do you know if you are making a choice or something out there is choosing you? How do you know the dynamics on which our life runs- not biologically…but philosophically? What makes you get up late at night from sleep, sit in the darkness and think- what next?
These are few questions I am
currently dealing with. Or, better way to put it is, these are some questions
my sub conscience is dealing with. I have sleepless nights and sometimes I am
awake in my sleep. I am wide awake walking through the road I have chosen. But I
don’t know where this road leads me to. I am scared that I might forget my way
back and that I might not be able to go forward anymore and I wake up. I try to
forget this as a nightmare but the thought remains, my sub conscience refuses
to give up on it, and so the nightmare keeps coming.
Man is the only animal with the ability to think. I don’t really
know if that is helping us or not. Is this a bane in disguise of boon? Given
this ability where do we use it most often? We use it to analyze the past. But
why do we do that? Well, some of you might defend your thought process and say
we analyze it so that we don’t repeat the mistakes we had done before. But is
that all? Often we analyze situations where we were not at fault, where we didn’t
have a control and we start thinking so much that our mind clogs with regret. That’s
a homicide. Yes, it’s not suicide because you are not killing yourself but
homicide because you are killing the voice inside you; you are hushing that
voice and blaming it for all the unfair days. Little by little, your regrets
are going to kill your intuitive voice inside you. What then? You will still be
alive but you will be a source of negative vibe. And do you really want to waste
your life like that?
Why am I bringing this up now? Why am I questioning our
thought process like I wish we weren’t the only animals having this special
ability to think? Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against us being a
thinking animal. What I am actually trying to point out here is we shouldn’t pile
up our head with things that we cannot control ‘cause in that process you shall
lose the opportunity to think about the situation that you can control. Few days
back I was sitting in my hostel room and was introspecting on my life. I was
trying to draw the pattern of my life. I was trying to weigh my successes and
failures till now. And now I realize even though I didn’t get what I always
wanted, I just got what I deserve. And that’s the twist of fate.
In my school days I used to think I shall be studying with
statistics or mathematics as my mom is a mathematics teacher. She used to make
me feel confident about the subject and I used to assume that I am going to be in
the field of statistics. But then I got over that feeling. Next I bumped into
languages. Hindi and English were the two languages primarily taught throughout
our school years and I was so fascinated with the literature. Story books were
food for my new life. I used to live my life from book cover to book cover. Classical
English were part of our curriculum in class 9 and 10 and I was swept in awe. People
in my class were crying their heart out for the terrible words they were unable
to grasp or memorize. I never found myself able to relate to them. For me that
was best curriculum CBSE could have ever planned. So, now the next think I thought
was I will become a teacher but a language teacher. So I kept reading both
Hindi and English literature and tried to make myself for confident in using
both the languages, even though in the years that followed the two languages
were just a compulsory part of our curriculum and not much in focus.
In my
higher studies I got into science field and just struggled my way out of that.
Then out of nowhere I found myself studying Microbiology. I had dreamt of being
a lawyer or a journalist or a teacher or an artist or do something in biology.
But never had I thought about this particular subject. So then a voice inside
me said “Let the bygone be by gone. Now, go with the flow”.
I took a step forward in anticipation that I might give up
on it soon. But I am a person wired not to give up. I might just wane and cry
and weep and shout saying “Enough I will quit now” but that ends there.
Quitting isn’t something I have done as of yet. As a result, I am here now, in
Pondicherry, doing my masters in Microbiology. And what do I feel about it? No,
I won’t say I feel “I finally know what I really wanted to do for so long and I
am doing it!” I haven’t yet reached that stage yet. But what I can really admit
is I feel just fine. Whatever courses of events took over in my life and
whatever choices I and destiny made has brought me to this point. Through my
failures I am learning to build myself every day. I am working on myself, every
single day. And I am going to continue doing that.
Not all that we dream of comes true in real life. But that doesn’t
mean we made bad choices. I somehow feel I am doing what I am doing in life,
not just because I made a decision, but my fate made a decision too. Both the
times when I had given large number of applications and entrance exams, I was
making a decision of taking one step ahead. Next step was being chosen. I am
here for I worked and someone out there chose me for this course. I am here for
I got selected by the nature to live. I am here because I took a step ahead and
gave destiny a chance to choose me.
So what are you going to do now? Will still continue to
think over past and dream about future? Will you still hug your regrets while
you go to bed tonight? Or are you going to set them free and let your mind
lives at peace?
As a true optimist and believer, I would just tell you, if your back is against the wall don’t sit down and wail. Kick the wall and use the momentum to move forward. Keep fighting if you want to survive and win. Don’t expect and do not regret.
No comments:
Post a Comment