Build a wall..

A bird sits on the branch, chirping and singing. It is a beautiful day or that's what the bird thought until the sun disappeared behind the clouds. Clouds were dark as soot. The wind started to blow. It was a mild breeze at first. The bird saw two kids giggling, sitting on the window of their house beside the tree. Their giggle eased her muscles. But the pretty scenes started to disappear. What seemed a cool breeze turned into a storm, rising from the dust. The storm was galloping towards the little bird from all the four sides. She was scared. There were no more giggles anywhere near. The children where behind the closed windows now, equally terrified like the little bird to see the storm approaching. A swoosh from the side, a tweak of the branch, and "thud" the nest fell on the ground. Hurt and unable to move her wings, the bird tried hiding under the remaining pieces of her nest. The hours were long and dark, and the whistling sound of the wind didn't let sleep seep in through the breaks of the nest upon the bird's eyes. Teary eyed, shaking with fear, she lay there, all alone in the storm. Her mind wasn't ready to give up, even when her body did. "This too shall pass",thought the little bird until she passed away into a sleep. 

Raindrops brought the bird back to her senses. She looked around. The storm had passed. It's evening and the kids have come out of their houses to play in the field. They looked happy. They were safe and happy. The bird realised why her mom used to tell her "always build a nest, deep in the woods or atleast in the tree where the branches are dense". Mom meant build a wall around you, that will protect you from the storms and keep you safe. 

When we are in difficult phases of our lives, and peers, family , relatives encroach in our space, the pressure starts building up. Its like the moments before the storm when the clouds hide the sun and turn themselves into dark soot-ed clouds. We begin to tremble in the pressure. The stress enervates our confidence from our heart and mind and we start giving up. Stop! stop your fears and the stress it brings along right at the bay and start building a wall. The wall to protect you from getting shattered in the storm. And how do you do that? How do you build a wall around yourself not physically but mentally to protect your body and mind? Well, there is no fixed recipe to this. Everyone needs to figure this out on their own for the magnitude of stress from the peers and outside world are different in different people. 

Another way of looking at this situation is either you can build a wall or you can build yourself stronger. A little sparrow needs a strong nest to survive the storm, but an eagle flies high through the storm. 

May be we can take one step at a time. Step out in the world. And survive. Try to train your mind to filter the negative thoughts and keep them at bay. People are worried for you it seems. Some of them are genuinely worried for you and some of them shall never really mean what they are saying. So in these fragile moments take care of yourself. Live for yourself. Make deadlines, aim high, dream big - but all for yourself. Protect yourself until you are strong enough, confident to spread wings, and fly high. And who knows. you might not be a little bird after all.. you might be an eagle in making..

We are never on the same page....

It has been more than a month since I closed a chapter of my life and came home. A lot of other people did the same. And I thought we are all on the same page. We were being part of the "transformation phase". And I thought we will together cross the bridges. Some did cross the bridges and some took other turns down the road. And I have realized now, we are never on the same page. And how does that make me feel? I don't really know. It's like you are standing on the bank of a river, waiting for your ferry, but you realize you missed the last one that went across. And you find your friends on the other side of the river, waving at you. You are happy to see them but a part of you wishes you were there by their side instead of where you are now. The sun sets, your friends walk away from the bank off to their destinations, and you try walking back home or someplace that brings peace to your mind. 

I don't know if what I am currently feeling is a human feeling already acknowledged or is it just my exemplified anxiety and exhausted hopes that makes me vent these feelings out on this page. 

Recently, I was preparing for an exam where I had to study about plants. There i read something termed as "photo period". The authors of the book wrote that even though photoperiodism was thought of as a light dependent response of plants in the form of developmental changes, it wasn't the length of the day that mattered. What really made one flowering plant different from other was the period of night or darkness it needed before it could bloom. Suddenly at that moment I realized nature's rules never change. The conditions that serve as factors of importance in flowering event of a plant is the same as our growth and development. It is not how many easy work hours you experienced that decide how much you learned. The judge is always the tough times. You never learn an experiment or an application, if you haven't aced your troubleshooting skills. How do you know the level of your patience, if you haven't really been on the wait-list for a long long time? So what if some people got the ferry and reached the other side, if you really wish to go on the other side, you might as well work it out. Don't just sigh about the chances you lost, don't crush your dreams as you hold them tight as you sleep, you need to get your feet ahead. Move your feet and take a step. You might not have the strength to take a leap, but you can still breathe. To keep yourself floating and to save yourself from hitting the bottom of the river, you need to keep paddling your feet. A ferry might not come for you, but if you really wish to be on the other side, what's the last thing you can do? Swim across may be? Darkness might scare you, or the water inhabitants might not be welcoming, but jumping into that river, taking the risks shall be much better than going home and letting your tears lull you to sleep as you sigh with all the breathe you have inside you. You need to take the risk. You need to put your hopes, and anxiety out there and keep working. The result might not be quick but as long as you are staying afloat, you shall survive your battle. Nature shall select you among the people who gave up their battles.

A week back I was still fighting the tears and thinking hard if there is someone really up there who is listening, who will just hold my hand and drag me out of this mess. But then I realized, everyone of us is buried in a heap. May be one part of their life has crossed the river, but the other is still stuck under the heap at the bank of the river. God might keep us afloat while we are in the river, but that can happen only when we get the heap off us, lose burden of negativity, believe and take the leap of faith and jump into the river...and keep paddling. You shall live. You shall reach the other bank, drenched in experiences but you will cross the river. 

So may be we are all not on the same page but we are all part of the book ruled by Mother nature. Every flower needs a specific number of dark hours, that pushes them to grow as they step out into the world to taste the light. Take a sip of the courage you have been storing for a long time and get through the days, one day at a time. Keep your head help up, your crowns need to stay at the right place. :)

The wait

It's a familiar word - wait. Not just for me. I guess all of us have been accustomed to this word once in their lives at least. I feel there is a sweet pain that comeS along with this word. I hear people say that waiting made them test their level of patience. I hear people rejoice the fact that they were able to wait until the good news arrived. For different people this word has a different feeling attached with it. When a woman is expecting a baby and goes through months of tremendous change of her body and mind, the wait is part of the sweet pain. There is a certain level of anticipation and anxiety along with excitement of embracing motherhood that surrounds her. On the other hand, there is a wife, waiting for her husband to come home. Her husband is a soldier, guards the border,keeps the enemies at bay. At home the women alone plays the role of a father and a mother for their kids. She is a sincere daughter in law who takes care of her old and feeble mother in law. There is a wait in those eyes .. The mother waits for her son, the wife waits for her husband, the children still trying to picture their father from the memory of their last holiday together. The wait is their way of life and not just a mere word for them. When I compare my wait with these instances, It feels so meagre that I assume I can sleep over it. But mind understands, heart doesn't. What is it that I am waiting for, you may ask. I am waiting for the rain to  drench The soul of earth. I am waiting for the moment when my life will finally bring a joyous exclamation on my face and not just a mere sigh. I am waiting To become the alchemist of my own life and turn it into gold-turn into a precious lot of celebrations. I am waiting and as I look around, there are many in the queue with me. I guess we are all hanging for the sake of sweetness in this pain of waiting...

Dolce far niente

There is an invisible race everywhere. Birds racing to conquer all the food on the window pane. Cars racing to their destinations, speeding and overtaking. Parents and kids racing to climb up the success ladder. Race is everywhere. But is the race worth of all the things its taking away from us?
This post might sound a bit outta the Hollywood movie "Eat Pray Love". An American women gets mocked for being an American by an Italian old man. The man goes on to say " You know how to celebrate but you don't know how to relax". I guess we are all mocked by the old man at this moment. We keep competing, we keep running; We tell ourselves this race shall lead our way to our dreams. But at the end of the race there is another race, and another, and another until your heart stops racing. We tend to put our friends on hold, we ask our partners to compromise -all for the sake of the never ending race. And in the end we realise, the race has robbed us inside out. I wish we learned what the Italian old man was trying to teach the American lady- ll arte dolce far niente- The art of doing nothing. Implement this in your lives. Every day, one hour let your mind float..wildly amongst the sea of imaginations. No future to worry about, no past to shrug off. Feel yourself independent of deadlines to meet. Set yourself free from the targets, aim,and ambition. Let your soul accept who you are and cleanse you inside out. Once we master this art, we might just erase some wrinkles off our forehead. Who knows, dolce far niente might actually teach us to live, and not just breathe..

Moving on..

I became a blogger two years back. Though time rushed through faster than I hoped it would, I never felt the changes taking place in and around me. Change is inevitable. We have all heard about it and every heart that beats knows it to be true. How does society mark our lives? Chapter 1- born ...Chapter 2 - School admission; Chapter 3- Class X board exam results; Chapter 4- Class XII exam results; Chapter 5- College admission; Chapter 6- Graduation...post graduation/ job; Chapter 7-Marriage; Chapter 8- Kids...and it rolls back on... But coming to think of it, are these really the chapters of our lives? We are all differently abled individuals made up of different ingredients. There can't be one single recipe of life for all of us out there. I don't really know about other's perspective on this but I can surely tell you about some of my recent chapters. 

Two years back, a girl moved out of the nest, her warm cozy home and went on to discover something new. Little did she knew back then about all the bunch of stuffs waiting to climb up on her adventure list. A mother was worried back at home, for her little girl was on her own for the first time in 21 years. The flock spent days discussing all the possibilities of the little one's fears to come alive that would finally lead her way back home. They said they were worried and yet they sounded hopeful of a quick return.  The girl was a chirpy one, the kind that lets everyone feel her presence with her chatter, laughter and friendship. In this unknown territory away from home.... she started building her own nest little by little. By the end of two years the nest had overflown with members and memories. This is my story in nutshell. 

Chapter 1- taste of independence... I missed home cooked meal but I felt happier about the fact that I gave up my comfort zone and stepped onto a new island. I realized I am my own responsibility and it ain't always easy not to say yes to too many luring adventures out there. But I made my choices and I regret none of them. 
Chapter 2- compromises, understanding, empathy, patience and perseverance.... the words that made my English teacher praise me when I used them in my essays in school, found their own meaning in the home away from home that I had built for myself. It was important to be with each other and yet respect the spaces. This I feel is one of the best thing living in hostel could teach you. At home people are going to bear your tantrums and let you take them for granted. But out there in hostel, people will bear your tantrums but not let you take them for granted. 
Chapter 3- Living in the moment. I procrastinate  a lot. I mean a lot. Like right now I am sitting here picturing all the worst stuffs that could happen to my life and all the possible ways I could screw up. umm,..I am not doing that now exactly though, it was just something I used to do more frequently and more consistently until I met my people out there. We plan for something and something ruins it... We get our back packs and go for a spontaneous trip.. and it turns out to me best time of our lives. Spontaneity found a way inside me while i was still knitting my nest and when I completed I couldn't tell if I were ever against spontaneity..ever. 
Chapter 4- Friends, group, family that i chose. Someone told me once never let go off your family for they will stick around with you when noone else will. I believed that until I met my flock out there. Language, culture, food habits, festivals... all the things that made us different from each other worked as a link that brought us closer. And there were times when we thought we had go through it all by ourselves. But we were never alone. We were backed by the family we chose for ourselves... 'cause that's what family does, they stick around. 

Chapter 5- growing up to be a child. Becoming an adult changes everything. We stress more, we smile less, we worry all the time. As I spent two birthdays away from my home, I grew up to be a child. Birthdays out there are pretty much the same as when you are a kid and all your school buddies come home for your party- the cake and the food. The only difference in hostel is the group of kids that come for your birthday bring cake along with themselves and all they want is a birthday treat!

Amidst all stressed out days, the flock made sure that no one felt out of the place or forgotten. So everyone's bday was celebrated, mostly at midnight or it might be morning afternoon evening.. anytime ...but celebrations weren't kept on hold 'cause of work schedules or deadlines. 

Chapter 6- Travel. Solo. In a group. Just travel. My family plans holidays every summer and winter vacations. And at times some weekend getaways during Diwali or good friday. But in those trips someone used to pre-plan the trip. Someone took care of tickets hotel bookings and everything. Someone even took care of me. I have enjoyed going places ever since I was a kid. Travelling fascinates me. But I was overjoyed when I realized what it feels like when you are the planner. What it feels like to do all the research and go on a trip that makes the best memories ever, Happy faces. Adventures.

It overjoyed me when I went for solo tours. I found myself. I grew humbler as my bus made its way through the carved roads of hills. I found a new version of me.

These have been few notable chapters of my life in two years... I might be missing out on some. To go somewhere new, you have to get out of the place you already are, your comfort zone. I follow what i read once : Don't fear failure. Fear of being at the same place one year later as you are today. 

Visit to Heaven on Earth

Hello my fellow bloggers, how is your life going on? Don’t ask about mine. Don’t worry I will tell you about mine even if you don’t ask. That’s why I am here. Right now I should be studying. I have an exam tomorrow. But what am I doing exactly is quite different from what I should be doing. Well that’s what my life is all about. I never do what I should be doing; rather I choose to do something I wish to do. I know that’s pretty immature behavior of mine, but I am surviving well enough, so I guess whatever it is that my wishes are made up of, they are worth my attention.

Have ever gone to a place where you looked at the beauty of the nature and you became awestruck? Have you ever seen nature unraveling its secrets in a way that left you spellbound and speechless? If you ask me these questions, I will reply loud and clear Yes!

Last week I boarded on a bus with my friends to get away from this mundane stressed out life. In the morning when I woke up I felt happiness run through my whole body. We were at the mountains!!! Finally the cool breeze, beautiful clouds, curvy roads going up and up…. exhilarating view outside the window. I can’t sum up my feelings into one sentence. I love mountains as much as a kid loves ice cream. And my love for mountains had expanded with time as I spent more of my days near the sea or the plains.

We reached Kodaikanal in the morning. It’s a beautiful heaven in Tamil Nadu, 8hrs journey from Pondicherry. The first place we visited was Silent Valley. As I got down from bus and walked up to the cliff from where we could oversee the valley, I felt happy. I felt thrilled. I felt I was alive after a long period of hibernation. I could feel tears on my cheeks. These were signs of my overwhelming emotions that my heart couldn’t retain inside. And it was just the beginning. Each and every place we visited thereafter was no less than heaven. Clouds floating everywhere, fogs playing hide and seek with us. Beautiful birds chirping and singing all through the pine forest.

We trekked through the waterfalls and forests. I was walking on my fours, crawling all the way through. I figured out, the only way one can safely trek up and down the forest was by walking like our ancestors, apes.  

Walking through new roads in a new town discovering places and roads with few of your close friends at the hour when your parents believe you are indoors fast asleep, was really an experience worth having. I hope the thrill of this tour keeps my soul alive and sparked up.

We are running after money and all the materialistic things that money can buy. But once in a while, get out of your comfortable room and walk out in the wild, with stars and moon shining above your head. You will know what life is all about. When you climb up and down a cliff, you will have count of your breath. You will be aware of every single moment of your existence on earth. That’s what life should be like.

Dear Mountains

Until I meet you, I will keep dreaming about you.

You were wired to worry but not to give up

What is your life all about? How do you decide what you want in life? How do you know if you are making a choice or something out there is choosing you? How do you know the dynamics on which our life runs- not biologically…but philosophically? What makes you get up late at night from sleep, sit in the darkness and think- what next? 

These are few questions I am currently dealing with. Or, better way to put it is, these are some questions my sub conscience is dealing with. I have sleepless nights and sometimes I am awake in my sleep. I am wide awake walking through the road I have chosen. But I don’t know where this road leads me to. I am scared that I might forget my way back and that I might not be able to go forward anymore and I wake up. I try to forget this as a nightmare but the thought remains, my sub conscience refuses to give up on it, and so the nightmare keeps coming.

Man is the only animal with the ability to think. I don’t really know if that is helping us or not. Is this a bane in disguise of boon? Given this ability where do we use it most often? We use it to analyze the past. But why do we do that? Well, some of you might defend your thought process and say we analyze it so that we don’t repeat the mistakes we had done before. But is that all? Often we analyze situations where we were not at fault, where we didn’t have a control and we start thinking so much that our mind clogs with regret. That’s a homicide. Yes, it’s not suicide because you are not killing yourself but homicide because you are killing the voice inside you; you are hushing that voice and blaming it for all the unfair days. Little by little, your regrets are going to kill your intuitive voice inside you. What then? You will still be alive but you will be a source of negative vibe. And do you really want to waste your life like that?

Why am I bringing this up now? Why am I questioning our thought process like I wish we weren’t the only animals having this special ability to think? Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against us being a thinking animal. What I am actually trying to point out here is we shouldn’t pile up our head with things that we cannot control ‘cause in that process you shall lose the opportunity to think about the situation that you can control. Few days back I was sitting in my hostel room and was introspecting on my life. I was trying to draw the pattern of my life. I was trying to weigh my successes and failures till now. And now I realize even though I didn’t get what I always wanted, I just got what I deserve. And that’s the twist of fate.

In my school days I used to think I shall be studying with statistics or mathematics as my mom is a mathematics teacher. She used to make me feel confident about the subject and I used to assume that I am going to be in the field of statistics. But then I got over that feeling. Next I bumped into languages. Hindi and English were the two languages primarily taught throughout our school years and I was so fascinated with the literature. Story books were food for my new life. I used to live my life from book cover to book cover. Classical English were part of our curriculum in class 9 and 10 and I was swept in awe. People in my class were crying their heart out for the terrible words they were unable to grasp or memorize. I never found myself able to relate to them. For me that was best curriculum CBSE could have ever planned. So, now the next think I thought was I will become a teacher but a language teacher. So I kept reading both Hindi and English literature and tried to make myself for confident in using both the languages, even though in the years that followed the two languages were just a compulsory part of our curriculum and not much in focus. 

In my higher studies I got into science field and just struggled my way out of that. Then out of nowhere I found myself studying Microbiology. I had dreamt of being a lawyer or a journalist or a teacher or an artist or do something in biology. But never had I thought about this particular subject. So then a voice inside me said “Let the bygone be by gone. Now, go with the flow”.

I took a step forward in anticipation that I might give up on it soon. But I am a person wired not to give up. I might just wane and cry and weep and shout saying “Enough I will quit now” but that ends there. Quitting isn’t something I have done as of yet. As a result, I am here now, in Pondicherry, doing my masters in Microbiology. And what do I feel about it? No, I won’t say I feel “I finally know what I really wanted to do for so long and I am doing it!” I haven’t yet reached that stage yet. But what I can really admit is I feel just fine. Whatever courses of events took over in my life and whatever choices I and destiny made has brought me to this point. Through my failures I am learning to build myself every day. I am working on myself, every single day. And I am going to continue doing that.

Not all that we dream of comes true in real life. But that doesn’t mean we made bad choices. I somehow feel I am doing what I am doing in life, not just because I made a decision, but my fate made a decision too. Both the times when I had given large number of applications and entrance exams, I was making a decision of taking one step ahead. Next step was being chosen. I am here for I worked and someone out there chose me for this course. I am here for I got selected by the nature to live. I am here because I took a step ahead and gave destiny a chance to choose me.

So what are you going to do now? Will still continue to think over past and dream about future? Will you still hug your regrets while you go to bed tonight? Or are you going to set them free and let your mind lives at peace?

As a true optimist and believer, I would just tell you, if your back is against the wall don’t sit down and wail. Kick the wall and use the momentum to move forward. Keep fighting if you want to survive and win. Don’t expect and do not regret.